Not Knowing

I don't know. Those three words have inched their way into my vocabulary quite a lot lately. It's only slighlty amusing that the phrase has become more prevalent after I have received a college education, and subsequently, a degree. But nonetheless, it seems to be a running theme in my life lately, and therefore will probably be a running theme in this blog. Most of you who read this have already born the unfortunate brunt of my "i don't know syndrome" and have been forced to listen to me babble on and on about my uncertainties. I find (and you probably do as well) that I tend to use this phrase when nothing else seems to fit, or when i'm not sure how to phrase what I'm thinking, or when I have the ability to express my thoughts but lack the courage. When there are so many things up in the air, it's hard to really "know" anything. While there are things that I know for certain (things like...I'm scared of the grates on city sidewalks and I want to like coffee more than I do) there are also things that I've come to realize over the past few years...and even the past few days.

Let me share a story with you....

We’ve been interviewing candidates to replace me as I move up the ladder in the company (a ladder that I hope not to be climbing too long) and this has aroused some suspicion among the agents in the company. The last time interviews were held, their old CSC left and was promptly replaced with a new one…me :) So a lot of people have approached me and asked if I was leaving. But the best part is that they actually looked WORRIED that I might leave...they actually expressed disappointment at the thought of me going. ME??!!! They like me. They really, really, like me. That makes me smile. That makes me satisfied.

Granted, real estate investment is not what I want to do with my life, and being a glorified receptionist, agent support trainer, marketing coordinator, and brokerage administrator is not necessarily what I would call a passion (or more appropriately my passion), but in order to be satisfied on a day to day basis at work, it seems that I don't need much. I guess I want to be needed, and I want to feel like I'll be missed if I leave. I guess that's selfish, but I've realized it all boils down to me wanting to help people. I remember taking a personality test at the reccommendation of a friend, a friend who pegged me immediately as a "helper." He hit the nail right on the head, I guess I feel like I don't know a lot about my future...but I do know that about me...I want to help.

So, I guess I "know" that I want to be needed. I "know" that I have been at my happiest when I have been my busiest, when I'm planning events and running organizations, when I've felt like I've helped someone. "I know" that whatever I do with my life, I hope (and need) to feel like I've made some sort of difference...however small. By helping someone, I don't necessarily mean that I have to save the world, or solve hunger, or clothe the needy, or tend to the sick, but to help someone in my own way...whatever that means. It might mean just doing whatever job I have to the best of my ability and therefore "helping" an office or a company to run smoothly. It might mean teaching a schoolroom of children or even having a child of my own and being both wife and mother some day (some day very far away). It might mean working at a University somewhere across the country, or it might mean working as a high school counselor, and being able to listen to other people's problems. Or, it might mean something else entirely. But I do also "know" that in order to help someone else, I need to first find a place of work where I'm comfortable. I need to find a job where I'm happy, or at least on the road to happy. And in the meantime, I need to find the happy in the present and focus on that. That's what I know.