Tangents

You see what happens? I have every intention in the world to write, and write often. But, for some reason, three weeks go by without a single post. Funny though, it doesn't seem like three weeks has passed since I last posted, I guess time is moving faster than I thought. Isn't that how it always is? Well, it is for me anyway (at least recently). Time seems to move like molasses but then one day I look up and a month or two, or a year or four, has elapsed in what feels to me like the blink of an eye.

I began to write this morning not because I had something life-altering to share with you all, or some momentous discovery about where my life is headed, but instead to describe to you how ridiculously uneasy (apparently) I feel here at my place of work. One would think that after what, almost six months at Marcus & Millichap, I wouldn't feel out of place; I wouldn't feel jumpy or nervous. Instead, I would feel at home, or at least "at work" :)

I get along with most of the people here at work, I enjoy talking to them when we do, and I like hearing about their lives. I especially like hearing about the lives of people who are married, and people with children. Maybe it's because their lives are so much different than mine. Maybe I envy where they are in life, maybe I envy how sure they seem to be, how confident, and how wise. I don't know if any of our relationships will ever go beyond the workplace setting, but they're kind enough, and they're polite enough, and some of them are genuine enough to garner my admiration, my attention, and my respect. Funny, it appears that I care about, or at the very least value, the people here at work more than I thought. They have become part of my daily routine, and although I still long for the kinds of friendships that I have been spoiled with over the past few years, it seems that I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of having casual acquantainces and with the realization that these casual acquantainces just might turn into friends if given enough time. I suppose what frustrates me about this job is just that...the job. It's not necessarily the people (well most of the people) or where I'm working (downtown is lovely), but just what I'm doing, and how useless I feel.

You see how easily distracted I am? I intended to write this morning about how I jump about ten feet in the air whenever someone sneaks in (okay, simply walks in the room when I'm not looking) to say hello. For example, picture me reaching to get something from the top shelf of a cabinet or crouching to get something from a bottom drawer and then picture boyd: a 50-ish year old tiny balding man, who is very friendly but very sneaky, walking down the hall. He pokes his head in to say hello and by the amount of noise I make, how startled I am, and how high I jump, you would think that he was a mugger in New York City instead of a loan originator with grand kids who dances with his daughter's drill-team at the halftime of her high school football games. You might even believe that we were in a grungy, dimly lit alleyway instead of a copy room illuminated by fluorescent light bulbs located on the 3rd floor of a secured office building in downtown Fort Worth. I mean really, why am I so jumpy all of the time? Maybe I just have a tendancy to be on edge, maybe I have a jumpy personality. If you have any insight to offer, please feel free.

Well, then. That was the reason I intended to write this morning but I bet you got a whole lot more than you bargained for when you began reading. Who am I kidding, I got a whole lot more than I bargained for when I began writing. And on that note, I will leave you for now.

Roadblocks....Or In This Case, Mindblocks

Honestly folk, I'm having a difficult time beginning another entry in this blog. It's not that I'm lacking material, nor am I lacking the desire to write. Instead I am lacking the conviction... or the confidence...I'm not sure. I wish I was gifted with a more striking ability to translate my thoughts into words... I wish I didn't have such a strong censor within myself that seems to keep me from freely expressing what comes to mind. I guess everyone does, and I guess that the barrier can break down with time. Maybe I'm losing sight of what the blog is supposed to be for...it doesn't necessarily have to be a journal for others to read...it doesn't necessarily have to only contain my thoughts and feelings on the world and on my life. Maybe it can simply be a breakdown of what happens day to day, and week to week. Or maybe it can be a combination of the two. So, if you could bear with me while I get a handle on this whole blogging world, I would appreciate it.

Maybe I will try to include a lyric every once in awhile to accompany my thoughts. Sometimes it is frustratingly beautiful how eloquently other people can express the thoughts and feelings that I can't even begin to put into words. If I tried, my words would be messy and inadequate. So, maybe when my own words don't seem appropriate, I will pad them with the words of people whom I admire.

So here goes...


The words are small and insignificant
Confused and cliche
I saw my promise and potential
Through my guilt and my shame
I couldn't catch that in a couplet
On my best goddamn day
My tied tongue tumbles on

-Kevin Devine

I promise I listen to music other than that of Kevin Devine. His words just seem to fit.

I hope the newness of this doesn't wear off too soon. I am going to try my best to not let my good intentions fall by the wayside, and to keep writing as frequently as possible. I might even wind up writing too frequently...at which point, please give me an electronic slap in the face via the comment section. But, have heart, when the days at the office are slow, and I'm sitting in front of the computer, what else am I going to do?

Good Intentions...and New Beginnings

Before I graduated this past May, some friends and I were sitting around talking (and not talking) and dancing around the truth that loomed ahead of us...the fact that change was inevitable, and fast-approaching. We tossed around the idea of beginning our own individual blogs in order to make it easier to keep up with each other and to temper the callousness of change and the pain of separation. While I embraced and supported the idea wholeheartedly, and my intentions were genuine, I clearly lacked the follow-through. I wish I could say that I purposely waited in order to gain the much "wiser" perspective of a person eight months out of college, a person eight months into the real world, but I would by lying. And honestly, I don't feel wiser. If anything, I am more confused when it comes to where my life is heading, and even with where I want my life to be heading.

I don't know what made me want to start writing...it is probably another whim that I will hopefully not give up on. Putting pen to paper is one thing (metaphorically speaking, of course, since this is via type)...but when I write about my life, I'm putting a part of my heart on the page, and the idea of having that available for others to read is foreign to me. But, its kind of exhilirating, too. I've become a lot more open and a lot better with sharing bits of myself over the past few years, and maybe this is another step in that direction... a "new beginning" if you will. Although the title would probably have been more appropriate coming straight out of college, I guess you could say this is a new beginning as well, much smaller and less daunting, but new nonetheless.

At this point in my life, I am uncertain about a lot of things, but I am damn certain that I want to keep in better touch with people, especially the ones that mean the most to me. I don't know how this will help me keep in touch with everyone else, unless we all jump on the blog bandwagon, but at least I'm making it easier for you all...and that's a start.